Loving, hurting, Lupus, and healing.

I hear a lot of Christians say that there are three people in their marriage: Two partners and Jesus.

While my wife and I appreciate that sentiment, ours is a marriage of three different people: Two partners and Lupus.

My wife describes her Lupus is that the micro organisms in her body which are supposed to attack the bad things that can affect a body, like the common cold, are working overtime in attacking her. They have locked on to the wrong target, and her body thinks itself the illness it needs to fight. Image the worst cold you've ever had, the lethargy, the exhaustion, how your limbs and joints ache. That is how my wife feels every moment of every day. And that's just on a good day. Other days it affects her breathing, she can't get out of bed for more than an hour at a time. And her mind is constantly having to manage the pain, this means that any energy she might have is being diverted to her mental faculties, just so that she can do the basic things which we all take for granted.

All of this is invisible, of course.

Thankfully, for the most part it's managed with medication. It has take over a year to find the right mix of fifteen pills a day. Good days are just exhausting, but she can get out of bed.

One of the worst things with Lupus, and many illnesses like it, is that it will never go away. It will need to be managed for the rest of her life. And really, for the rest of our lives. Lupus will always be the third person in our marriage.

On the practical side of things, it means that making plans are difficult. There are numerous times where we've arranged to go out for a day as a couple with only me turning up flying solo, her needing a day in bed.

To some people this is abhorrent: How on Earth could I go out for the day and leave my wife in awful pain? Simple really, we are used to it by now. Yes it was strange at first, and we cancelled far more engagements than we attended. But then we developed a new normal. We agree with the people we're meeting that either one or both of us will show up.

None of this was easy to discover, this new normal. It took us a while, but we have found what works for us. This doesn't mean that the times my wife is really ill that I go wandering off because I have made other plans, of course not. It just means that what's normal for many couples, isn't normal for us. And our friends are accommodating.

Then Christianity rears its head. I am a pastor with over a decade of experience, I have a degree in theology from a good university, and I get invited all over the country to preach and teach, and my wife has played a huge part in every step of that. Yet people judge us for our 'lack of faith'. Why can't we just 'pray it away'?

We feel at times like Jesus, being told 'Physician, heal yourself.' And believe me, we've tried. We tried until we got to the point where we stopped praying that, and started to thank God for the wonderful new normal we have been given.

Like many of you, we used to live life at a hundred miles an hour. God decided that we had to live the slow life instead. To change our priorities. And to understand better just what it means to suffer. And we both do suffer. Yes it's she who suffers the pain, and that has brought its own lessons. And I suffer with her. Not just watching my wife struggle through the day, and that one is massive. I cannot tell you how many times I've prayed that God would give me her pain as an exchange, I would rather take it on myself than to watch my wife go through this.

I too am often exhausted just with the number of hospital appointments we have to attend (driving is difficult for her), and then trying to catch up on work those times when she is comfortable and doesn't need my attention.

Please don't think that we have a bad life, I do hope that I am not saying that. Our life is wonderful. We have the sort of relation which others have described as 'couple goals'. Apparently we're really cute, a bit like Samwise Gamgee and Rosie Cotton. We have amazing friends who completely understand if plans change at the last minute. And I am writing this while we're taking some time away to visit a very dear friend, having returned from a trip to the Ashmolean to see an exhibit on American Modern Art, life doesn't get any better. My wife managed to take some great photos of Oxford, and even climbed to the top of the tower in Abingdon for even more great photos (you can see them on Instagram @allardevans). I would hesitate to say that our lives are probably better than yours.

And that is the great gift God has given us. And I know that I am not alone in this. I have been collecting similar stories of this 'new normal' that God gives through the blessing of sickness, and I intend to unpack some of the theology of sickness over the next few entries here.

So please, do read this as an introduction, there's a lot more to come, and let it comfort you in knowing that illness isn't an end, just a wonderful opportunity for a new normal in God.